Hey guys, how y'all doing? I will be honest here... I'm not doing good. Not even okay. So I got the overall result for my STPM yesterday. As expected, it's not good. Terrible to be exact. I got the minimum CGPA, which is good- already a surprise for me, cause I expected worst. But still the minimum CGPA is terrible. It'll bring me no where. It means nothing. I went to school today and the results to the others sounds like a joke. The silent treatment i got after makes me want to run, hide, dig a hole and bury myself deep alive. When they asked what's my future plan, I couldn't help but have myself ask me the same questions too. What's my plan? Do I have 1?
The teachers say it's impossible to get anywhere with this result. So what? This 2 years gone just like that? I was at fault but i didn't want this. I got good As and 4.0 for school exams but look at the final results now. They say I didn't try, I didn't work hard enough. Okay. Sounds like a good enough reason why I am here right now, typing and feeling dead. I feel more sorry for my Science teachers though. The other subjects in school all had improvements in percentage. Of course.., Except the Science subjects. I'm embarrassed to be standing there in the room. The other teachers mocking my Bio teacher and the look of disappointment is so clearly seen on her face. I'm sorry.
I don't even dare tell people I ever did want to be a vet anymore. It will only sound like a joke to them. I don't know if this brings me relieve or not. I was never sure if vet is really the thing for me but I had always wanted to be one since I was a kid. People have expectations from me. Family, Teachers, and Friends. I don't know why on earth did I give them false hope that I wanted to be vet. Led them into thinking that the family will finally have a doctor. It's crazy. Once again, I'm sorry. Even more sorry for letting my parents down. They gave me so much and have only wished I could do well but I couldn't. I didn't.
I once used to be smarter. Joining the 12 years old tuition class when I'm only 11. Not too smart but was okay. I used to be looked up at, being thought the family pride.. not a big one but they did expect a lot from me. To the point that when i told them I fail my exams.. It sounded almost impossible for them. I don't know what happen and I don't know where that me went either. "Shame on you" - These three words haunts me. It's true though and I don't blame him for saying that cause to me... those 3 words is an understatement to what I've become.
I wanted to prove myself. I wanted to save my teachers from being mocked at. I wanted to make my parents proud. I HAD WANTED TO BE A VET. But all I am doing right is feeling sorry for myself and everyone else. I think it's a good thing too. Now i won't have second thoughts or won't have hard choices to make. Cause I'm not qualify to anyway. I'll have to figure out a way to tell me people i ain't gonna be a vet without bursting into tears. That's so weak. I'm so weak. I held it in in school but I couldn't do that in front of my parents. How could I?
I hope everyone else is doing fine. Through it all I'm still grateful with all the supports, the people who didn't mind me being a failure for this part of my life. I'm grateful and thankful and acknowledge that the minimum CGPA was also a blessing from HIM.
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